keskiviikko 26. maaliskuuta 2014

Can I change?

Can a person change? For good? For real? I strongly doubt it. Of course you can stop smoking/doing drugs/drinking and/or start exercising and so on. But do we really change? Like maybe you've heard of life changing moments, but is it really that one moment can change the way you are? The way you think?

Oh, well. The more I think about it the more convinced I am that a person can change, and that the change can be "over night". Like images of abused animals can change a person for good!

The reason I'm talking about that is that last night when I was thinking about how happy I am with Mr. C. We've been together for five years and it just gets better  and better. But then again there are times when I absolutely xxx him. When I can't think of anything good about him. Then I wonder what on earth did I see in him in the first place. But last night I some how realized that the strong negative feelings aren't really about him. It's more about me. How I get very strongly annoyed if he doesn't behave/act/think the way I want him to behave/act/think. Do you follow? I'm not sure if I do.

But you know, when I'm all in love with him and everything is just perfect then it's most likely that way because of the way he makes me feel. He makes me feel safe and more balanced, and so on. It's not that I love him bacause he runs fast or is so goddamn handsome. umm...hard to explain. I love the way he looks because I can see it. I wouldn't love it if he was handsome but I were blind. I don't care if he runs fast or not because that's not something for me. Unless I see him in a race. So why would be the negative feelings be about him? I xxx him because of the way he makes me feel. Damn! I'm into something! So next time I feel like chopping him into pieces I should focus on me! Why do I react to his actions this way? What does it tell about me?

Interesting.  So the question about the change was about this. Can this knowledge (about the negative feelings being about me) change me?

It's early, I've been awake for three hours already. I feel like doing some serious sewing today!

I'll soon make a post about the whole organizing project. Kind of like before and after thing.


My travel journal came yesterday! It's effing great! (pic taken from the website!)

2 kommenttia:

  1. Negative feelings are normal as long as you get where they come from (you being annoying when things don't go as you like).
    .. I don't think you have to change, but we *do* improve when we analyze out feelings realistically :)

    1. Thanks Lara! I tend to over-analyze everything, but the closer and closer I get of my current self the harder it gets. Like I can analyze the shit out of everything around me, but myself - I get to be a complete mystery :) But seeing this pattern on the things I love/hate about him (or anybody else, for that matter) was kind of break through :) So maybe the next time I f**king xxx him I might be able to calm down a bit and think about the reasons I'm so filled with rage.